My House, My Rules

by Jeannette Webb on May 20, 2013

In other posts I’ve admitted to being a loving despot in my home. I expected manners. I expected respect. And, I got it. We had a great deal of fun because my children knew exactly what was acceptable and so there were very few points of contention. (Read about that here).  If you are dealing with older kids who haven’t learned this from a young age, here are a few pointers:

 

Tutor

Realize that you are at fault, not your child 

You are the adult and have been sloppy and inconsistent. Take responsibility for this. Sit down with your spouse and draw up a list of expectations for yourself and your children. Then figure out what the consequences will be if expectations are not met. You need to find what is most impactful for each child. For some it is money, so a substantial fine would get their attention. For the social child, it would be the curtailment of a favorite activity with friends. For others it would be missing a sporting event or planned family activity. 

I would actually suggest drawing up a contract that everyone signs. You can’t just start screaming at kids for things you’ve let slide for a long time. Things need to be explained in a calm atmosphere so they understand what is expected. 

Have a Family Meeting 

Once parents are on the same page, call a family meeting to explain the changes that are going to happen. Calmly admit that you have been wrong in allowing certain behavior and that to permit them to continue will impact their future in a negative way. Because you love them, you are correcting your mistake now. Outline the changes you expect in attitudes and the consequences if the new contract is not honored.

Have specific consequences for specific behavior. If they roll their eyes at you and say “whatever” you smilingly take their $25. If they watch television for 4 hours and don’t get homework done, the fun activity they were looking forward to is erased from the calendar and they get to clean the garage instead. 

Be Consistent

The toughest part of all this is your consistency. We get busy. We get tired. And, our kids get away with murder. Remember that it takes 21 days to change a habit and this is no exception. You have to be patiently watching and correcting for about a month before you will see a real change. 

Rewards

You also need to have a system of rewards in the contract – tiny ones as your child makes changes and possibly big ones when the problem has been erased. 

Change the environment

Many attitudes are caught from other kids. In order to help your kids be successful, you may need to alter their environment. To be honest, we stayed away from youth group at church, youth Sunday school, many homeschool activities, and other collections of teen drama and attitude. If we started a new activity and I noticed a slide in attitude, my kids got a chance to improve. But, the activity was dropped if it infected them in a negative way. For this reason, my kids spent most of their time with adults and therefore acted like adults. Eventually they were the shapers of attitude among their friends, not sponges who soaked up whatever was around them. 

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Look Who’s Talking! 

Thank you so much for all your help in my college admissions process. You constantly gave me direct guidance and constructive feedback. Through your advice, I was able to give colleges a better profile of who I am. After countless emails, essay revisions, and questions I feel that my applications presented the best of what I have done. I am very happy to let you know that I will be studying mechanical engineering at MIT this fall. This year has been great and I am excited for what is to come. Thank you again for all the time you have put into my life. ~ Hannah, California

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Delay Now in Order to be Successful Later

by Jeannette Webb on May 13, 2013

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I often get anguished calls from parents who are trying to decide whether to reclassify their student. It can happen at any point, but often seems to come to a head in the 8th or 9th grade year. Here are the common concerns: 

• The student is often, but not always, a boy (and just so you know, young men mature much more slowly than young women). 

• They are still unsure of themselves or where they are headed. 

• They often still waste time in the activities of childhood – playing games, etc. 

• They are often poor managers of time. 

• They have gotten behind in key subjects like math and science. 

• They struggle with learning differences or disabilities. 

• Sometimes, they have just begun to “get it” academically and the parent realizes there aren’t enough years left in high school to finish the job. 

• Their extracurricular profile is really lacking and they just need some extra time to shore things up in order to be competitive. 

Whatever the reason, the parent wonders if an extra year would be helpful. But then, doubts set in. Will colleges think there are problems if they enter at an older age? Is a gap year better than reclassifying? Will it mess up standardized testing? What will the grandparents say? How will other students react? How will your child see himself? 

Reclassification is a Great Idea! 

I am happy to let you know that reclassification is a great idea!! It gives the extra breathing room needed to allow a child to mature, to get caught up, or to figure things out. I recommend reclassifying in junior high if possible as there is less stigma in the student’s mind, but I never hesitate to do it at any point in the process. A gap year can be useful for this (and I’ve recommended it), but reclassifying a student earlier is easier. 

It Does Not Affect Standardized Testing

The age of your student does not matter when they take standardized tests, even the PSAT taken in the junior year (which is the gateway into the National Merit Competition). CollegeBoard accepts the student’s own classification. If they are a little older than most juniors, CollegeBoard doesn’t care and neither does the National Merit Corporation.

Other’s Opinions 

While I always try to honor grandparents and their opinions, it is more important that your student have time to mature and reach their potential. Be respectful, but firm. You are the parent and you must protect your child. I have found that other students get used to the idea of suddenly not being in the same class and let it go. Most kids also accept the fact that life will be easier if they wait an extra year. While my son got a little frustrated when his friends went to college a year before he did, he was very grateful once he started because he realized he was more mature and struggled less than many of his classmates.

Increase Chances of Success 

By giving your child time now, you increase her chances of success later. A better academic record and stellar extracurriculars lead to better college choices and scholarship opportunities. A more mature student makes better career decisions and uses time in college wisely. And, colleges want mature students who will make the most of their college experience. They try to fill their freshman classes with those who will be successful and graduate.


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Look Who’s Talking! 

“(My son) ended up with merit scholarship offers totaling over $700,000!! I want to thank you again for all your encouragement and practical advice over the years. God certainly worked through you to help us find a way to challenge my son while keeping him at home for as long as possible. You have been my lifeline – you’ll never know how much it has meant to me to be connected with someone who “gets it”, who understands the value for God’s kingdom in training our children in excellence and preparing them for His higher calling.” ~ Vickie, MI

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Is Opportunity Holding You Back?

May 6, 2013

Tweet Opportunity is an interesting phenomenon and means different things to different generations. As I write this, I sit in a room that was built for my husband’s grandmother. In her generation, opportunity was the chance to board in town 20 miles away from her home so she could complete her high school education. For [...]

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Pursuing Life With Excellence!

April 29, 2013

Tweet Pursing Life With Excellence! By Jeannette Webb  While enjoying a delightful meal with a few members of our church family, an interesting topic came up. One guest, a former university department head, told the story of a returning student. At age 46, with a family and a full time job, this gentleman decided to [...]

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Paying for College

April 15, 2013

Tweet Paying for College By Jeannette Webb  It is April and kids are happily making college visits to determine where they will matriculate. Parents are thrilled and proud, but simultaneously wondering how to pay for all of this. There are great scholarships out there and my clients have raked in a good number this year; [...]

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Finding the Truth in Psalm 23

April 8, 2013

Tweet Finding the Truth in Psalm 23 By Jeannette Webb  Psalm 23 – One of the most familiar and best-loved verses in the Bible. Like most people, I thought I understood it. As a child and young adult I would repeat the comforting words to myself.  But somewhere in my thirties, the words began to [...]

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Creating a Home

April 1, 2013

Tweet Creating a Home By Jeannette Webb  Home. Overly sentimentalized by Victorian literature. Sterilized by today’s frantic lifestyles. Some reading this will have come from dysfunctional homes, others from encouraging ones. The concept of Home is, nonetheless, worth salvaging and re-building with the lessons learned from the errors and victories of past generations.  I believe [...]

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Banned Words

March 25, 2013

Tweet Banned Words By Jeannette Webb Looking back on the years when my home was bustling with children and their activities, I have to admit I was a despot, albeit a loving one. While I am a flexible parent and encouraged self-expression, there were certain words that were totally banned in our home.  Words that [...]

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FinAid: Telling the Whole Story

March 12, 2013

Tweet FinAid: Telling the Whole Story by Jeannette Webb  Life has a way of throwing curve balls. These can be particularly dicey when they happen during the months leading up to college financial aid applications. A case in point is the aftermath of hurricane Sandy. If your insurance company has paid you for damages to [...]

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Raising the Bar for Public Speaking Skills

March 4, 2013

Tweet Raising the Bar for Public Speaking Skills By Jeannette Webb  We talked earlier about the Communications Club I established for my young children – a group of like-minded friends who loved each other’s kids and were invested in each other’s success. It was very warm and supportive. And safe.  That was fine in the [...]

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