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Structure or Not?

Jeannette Webb — Mon, 14 May 2012 09:00:48 +0000

Structure or Not?

By Jeannette Webb

Not too long ago I spent the day with my husband, a construction manager/salesman, jack-of-all-trades kind of a guy. Our mission was to secure a building permit for his newest commercial building located in a new industrial park in our state’s capitol city. We were sent from building to building, up and down floors, office to office. As we stood in yet another line, we felt the tension rise among the others caught in the frustrating press of bureaucracy. One woman had made the two-hour trip to this particular office on four different occasions and was told something different each time.

I realize that most people live out their lives in this maze, but it came as quite a shock to me. Living as we do, miles away from humanity, surrounded by land owned by our family for generations, we can pretty much do whatever we please. Need more light? I would point and my husband would run a new electrical line. Need a window? My husband actually took a chain saw and cut a hole in the wall. Need more space for a growing family? We would stake out the footing, build the forms and pour the concrete.

In every instance, we quickly assessed the situation, made a decision, and moved forward. We had the freedom to do this because of who we are and the choices we have made. We chose to live in the country, far away from zoning ordinances. Over the years we have developed the needed skills to be able to build the life we want. We learned to trust our gut in shaping our environment.

In many ways, the freedom we chose for living was the freedom we chose for our kid’s education. Our school was the polar opposite of unschooling, but our days were flexible. We could stop and meet a friend’s need or take advantage of a beautiful day to go explore the creek behind our house. Year-round flexible school was just a way of life, so getting math done after an interruption fit with our mindset. During a financial crisis when the kids worked away from home two days a week, school fit in around the cracks on evenings and weekends. When one of my children would develop a consuming passion about a particular area of science or history, I erased by teacher plan and jumped into their joy with them.

In contrast, there are many educational choices that require bureaucratic permits and the resulting rigidity. When we pay someone else to take responsibility, we immediately give up choices and the freedom to follow our instincts. Our child may be at home, but another entity controls when class is held, when papers are due, what they need to learn. We must ask someone else’s permission for every move we make. Some programs (including gifted programs) insist on a certain sequence of classes – no deviation, no speeding up or slowing down. Many umbrella or charter schools leave no room for individual needs, giftings or fleeting opportunities.

I will grant that as kids get into the high schools years, the types of classes needed are more demanding and less flexible. We need a few AP classes in the mix. I usually recommend 4-6. It can be nice to have a community college class or two. However, my family refused to give up all our freedom. We were willing to be structured in my children’s area of interest – math and science, but we kept the spontaneity alive in our history and English classes.

There is nothing wrong with a structured education, but the choice to hold on to flexibility can yield rich dividends and produce lifelong learners!

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Look Who’s Talking!

"There have been many challenging decisions and things to learn in the course of our homeschooling, but nothing had prepared us for the college application process. We felt very much alone and confused by the whole thing. Do grades matter when there aren’t any universal standards for how they are awarded? What is the purpose and importance of the essays? Is our daughter just a number in a system? Having someone who understood what colleges were really looking for, had excellent and doable ways of documenting our daughter’s accomplishments, and truly listened to and responded to our questions and concerns was a huge blessing.

Our daughter was accepted at every university to which she applied, received substantial scholarship awards, and was then free to choose the best possible option. What we appreciated most was the way Jeanette took the time to really learn about our daughter and our family. We felt that this wasn’t just a mechanical process for Jeanette, but a true ministry of helping homeschool parents navigate the process of getting our students off on the next phase of their educational journey. We couldn’t be more pleased by the experience, and would recommend Jeannette to any family." ~ Sonja, WA

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Do What You Are

Jeannette Webb — Mon, 07 May 2012 09:00:28 +0000

Do What You Are

By Jeannette Webb

I couldn’t have chosen a more imperfect career fit. Neither could my husband. I border on extreme introversion. He is an off-the-charts extrovert. My career fresh out of college involved tons of people, constant interruptions, lots of travel, and everything else an introvert could hate. My people-loving new husband was a farmer. He spent all day every day alone in a tractor cab or working among cattle that only communicated by mooing. I would come home at night ready to cocoon after the onslaught of the day. He would be gearing up and ready to go do something with people. The clash of needs was intense; however, at the time we really didn’t understand what was happening.

Here’s the interesting thing. We were both very good at what we did. His innovative farming practices were featured in the top farm magazine in the nation. My groundbreaking programs received awards at professional meetings. We were expertly doing what we were trained to do and everyone was applauding. Why were we so miserable with our choice of profession?

Several years into this mess, I discovered the Myers-Briggs personality assessment and things began to finally make sense. The heart of our unhappiness was the fact that we didn’t understand how God had hard-wired our individual personalities. As such, we had basically chosen career paths that violated who we were at the core of our being. While we were successful, the emotional price we paid was entirely too high.

Fascinated with this tidbit of knowledge, I began to try to understand the different personalities and what that meant for career choice. Because I had lived through the pain of unwise choices, I was determined that my children would not make the same mistake. As they grew and I continued to study, I discovered a book that has been foundational for my kids, for many of my clients, and for my young friends as they have contemplated what they want to do with their life.

Do What You Are: Discover the Perfect Career for You Through the Secrets of Personality Type by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger is a groundbreaking, easy to understand look at all the personality types. Each personality type has its own chapter with the following categories:

profiles of real people in real jobs and why that career works
common threads found between these profiled
career satisfaction means doing work that . . .
popular occupations for each personality type in the fields of: counseling, education, religion, creative, health care, social services, business, computers/technology, finance, professional, academic, sales, service, clerical, etc.
customizing the job search
pathways to success using your strengths
possible pitfalls
advice on keeping or changing your job

This kind of self-awareness in budding teens can help channel their skill development, give them ideas for the kinds of professionals or tradesmen to job shadow, help them know where to focus their research of careers, pick the colleges or apprenticeships that specialize in training for those particular careers, and ultimately move into a world of work that validates who they are and allows them the best chance of being successful both emotionally and professionally.

Check out Do What You Are in our List of Resources.

Gifted Kids, Part 4

Jeannette Webb — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 09:00:10 +0000

Gifted Children who are a Gift to the World, Part 4

by Jeannette Webb

We’ve spent the last three weeks looking at how to successfully raise gifted kids. The final thing to consider is that they need to spend most of their time in the adult world.

Intellectually gifted children will totally outdistance other kids in their peer group. They know more than the others and have a quicker wit. They are often bored with the usual “teen” interests and this can lead to either underachievement or egotism. We decided to help our children keep life in perspective by having them spend most of their time in the adult world. One example of this is their attendance in adult Sunday School.

Instead of being in class with teen dramas, cliques, crushes, and self-centered prayer requests, they were with intelligent adults studying hard things. Their class of treasured older friends contains the brilliant university provost as well as a line-worker at the local factory. They gain from both perspectives. Learning by example to truly search out scripture during hardship has kept my kids grounded.

My children are in constant fellowship with these adult friends. We have faced together job loss, death, cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, Huntington’s Disease, agonizing months waiting for an organ transplant, and teenagers gone astray. Because they watched these adults daily living out their faith in a pain-filled world, friendship evangelism was an easy step in college. My children’s faith is not based on emotion or dependent on hordes of friends backing them up during a planned “outreach” event. They are comfortable walking alone for Christ.

I’m convinced that we lose so many Christian kids in college because we send them off with a weak, emotion-based, borrowed faith that has never been tested by fire. We have made life too comfortable and easy for them. They don’t know how to wrestle with scripture or with hard things. Worse yet, we often just expect a carbon copy of what we profess. We give them lists of rules. We do not tolerate a different opinion. Tough questions are viewed as rebellion. Only when they parrot back the right verbiage, do we consider our job well done. Be forewarned that this style of parenting will backfire. If your children do not own their faith, college will make short work of them.

The unnerving thing about parenting a gifted child is their ability to see past our pretense. If we would bring them outside themselves to help them lead a balanced, complete life, we must be willing to go first: to be uncomfortable, to fail, to recognize our own weakness and have the courage to confront it.

More than anything else in the homeschool lifestyle, this issue of spiritual maturity requires first that we be mature as parents. We must live with a transparency that gives our children insight into how to overcome their own personal and spiritual struggles. They can’t learn this from their youth pastor or their coach or their peers. It can only come as you journey along the Deuteronomy road together – when you sit, when you walk, when you lie down, when you rise up. We cannot talk at our kids (especially gifted kids). We must roll up our sleeves and do life together. There must be a constant dialog with them, learning together, working together, suffering together, and crying together. If we offer them anything less, we deserve their cynicism.

This side-by-side lifestyle allows me to hold up my gifted child when he stumbles. But the miracle is that it also allows him to catch me when I falter and thus develop his own muscles. Rather than fostering contempt, it creates a deep respect and tenderness in my almost adult child. It gives him the courage to face hard things. After all, he has seen me do it time and time again.

Walking the Talk

God has entrusted us with much when he gave us a gifted child. The responsibility is incredible. Just think of the temporal and eternal implications of parenting an exceptional child well. This child could use their gifts to literally change the world – finding the cure for cancer, building an organization to relieve world poverty, or writing a concerto that touches our hearts.

They say children don’t come with an instruction book, but I beg to disagree. It’s all right there in the Gospels: how to teach, how to lead, how to parent. Jesus did not hand his disciples a papyrus scroll and expect them to learn by memorizing it. He did not send them to youth group meetings at the synagogue. He walked in front of them sometimes and beside them sometimes, constantly talking, teaching, saying . . . .

See?

Watch me.

Do as I do.

Let me explain.

Here is the secret of what you do not understand.

And then, he washed their feet.

Christ did life together with this rag tag group of immature young men and then turned them loose to change the world.

So there you have it – a method so very simple and yet so uncomfortably radical. This paradox requires us to lose our lives in order that our children find Life. If we persist in our selfishness, we risk losing our gifted children altogether. Eventually, a character flaw will overwhelm their gift and the loss will ripple throughout eternity.

We are the adults. It’s time to start acting like it.

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If you’ve enjoyed this discussion of raising gifted kids, you’ll love our book Called to Influence: A New Approach to Life, Education and College Admissions. It is filled with thought-provoking essays that will change the way you look at homeschooling and at life. Check it out here.

Copyright 2008 Home Life, Inc., PO Box 1190, Fenton, MO 63026-1190, (800) 346-6322, www.home-school.com. Originally published in Practical Homeschooling # 82. A Practical Homeschooling subscription is $19.95 for six issues. Used by permission.

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Gifted Kids, Part 3

Jeannette Webb — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 09:00:09 +0000

Gifted Children who are a Gift to the World, Part 3

by Jeannette Webb

We’ve been looking at foundational principles in raising gifted kids. Today let’s explore the reasons to find difficult things for these children.

Because most things are so effortless for the gifted child, they are often totally unprepared to deal with something difficult. They are not used to having to wrestle with a concept or sweat to learn proper procedures. We need to be diligent to place things in their path that they bump into. Things that hurt. Why? Gifted kids need to be humbled. They need to learn how to learn.

Good parents naturally make huge sacrifices to push the envelope of their child’s giftedness. It is fun and rewarding to watch a special child develop. It is a pleasure to open doors and make sacrifices because others see and applaud our efforts. But too many parents stop there. We must also make the enormous sacrifice to help them develop in the areas that are weak. This will be infinitely harder. We will often encounter an intense struggle and our efforts may not be rewarded for many years.

Perhaps the athlete needs tough academics that will really whip him. Maybe our talented musician needs to be pounded with rigorous speech and debate. Some kids may need hard, sweaty physical labor that makes for aching muscles. Some kids need stretching leadership or a gut-wrenching volunteer responsibility. Perhaps our student is weak socially and covers for it with an intellectual arrogance. We found the answer for this in a hard, unforgiving peer group. Boy scouts taught our son valuable life lessons that his homeschooled Christian friends were too nice to dish out. Team sports could have been another avenue.

We must understand that when a child (or adult) is allowed to live solely within the bubble of their strength, it is easy to become arrogant toward lesser mortals. They rule their tiny kingdom and become tyrants. If, however, we pop the bubble and require them to live in places outside their strong suit, they quickly learn that others have talents they do not. They become more realistic, kinder. They learn how to appreciate the strengths of others and how to get along with the rest of the world. They develop skills that come hard, but make them whole.

Beware a Lopsided Development

Perhaps another way of looking at this is a concept called four-fold development. Explained in the old-fashioned little volume I Dare You! by William H. Danforth of Ralston Purina fame, this framework sought a balanced approach to life. Using Luke 2:52 as a foundation “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man,” Danforth concluded that we should strive to grow in all four areas. He labeled them: mental, physical, religious, and social. Keeping a balance between them allows for healthy growth and development.

It is foolish for parents (and potentially devastating for our child) to rely on a one-dimensional development. I have too often heard an adult tell their student “We’ll just count on a sports scholarship. We don’t need to worry about your SAT scores.” I expect this type of limited thinking in teens, but am appalled to find it in so many adults.

What happens when we allow a child to function in only one area? If our child receives his self-worth from being the smartest person around, who is he when he finds himself outpaced by those of greater abilities? If “athlete” is how our child defines himself, who is he when injury or illness permanently forces him to the sidelines?

Gifts are Fragile

We must understand that gifts are fragile things. A head injury, even a moderate one, can permanently hamstring mathematical ability. A finger injury can capsize a musician. A torn ACL can end an athletic career. As adults, we should have the maturity to see the big picture throughout a lifetime and help our students understand this concept. When our children learn to see things in this light, they become better stewards of their gift. They learn it must be handled with care and held loosely. They become grateful that God entrusted them with it and learn to use it wisely.

This is one more reason that we must help our children develop skills outside their area of strength. Not only are they better prepared for life, but they are also able to sidestep into something else should their gift and passion suddenly be taken from them.

Next time we’ll wrap up our discussion of gifted kids. See you then!

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Gifted Children, Part 2

Jeannette Webb — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 09:00:08 +0000

Gifted Children who are a Gift to the World, Part 2

by Jeannette Webb

In the last post we began a discussion about how to raise gifted kids. We continue today by looking at why service is so important.

Service is a fundamental part of the Christian lifestyle. May I suggest that it is absolutely essential for gifted children? They need to be routinely called outside themselves for the benefit of someone else. They need to figure out that life is about serving others, not about them. They need to daily serve their family. They should be expected to make personal sacrifices for the benefit of all.

I am not talking about service in the area of their giftedness. A musician does not benefit from performing at a charity event – that just provides a bigger audience to praise her. A socially inept computer whiz learns nothing from spending time alone programming the church computer. While it goes without saying that our children should use their talents to serve others, we must also include sacrificial service outside their natural gifting that costs them something and keeps them humble. They need tough responsibilities that rest on their shoulders such that if they fail, someone suffers.

It is vital that we pursue service opportunities as a family. We need to be involved with our kids. This is where the real learning takes place. If you are a member of huge, feel good church where everything is provided for you (i.e. multitudes of youth pastors to cater to young teens’ every whim), don’t expect your kid to learn what it means to be a servant leader. This common scenario will teach them the opposite – that it’s all about them. It doesn’t take long at all for them to develop the attitude that life owes them entertainment and Starbucks coffee.

My son was blessed beyond measure in that he had the daily example of a father with a servant’s heart. Pious lip service will only turn intelligent kids into cynics. They need to see the real thing, over and over, in the lives of people they love. Austin saw this in his father. He also saw it in his mentor, a brilliant chemist and elder at our church who rolls up his sleeves to work with the rest of us. Knowing that this highly successful man took his turn at church scrubbing toilets and vacuuming carpet gave my son a perspective on what it means to wash others’ feet that nothing else could.

Next time we’ll talk about the importance of finding things that are hard for our gifted kids. The reasons will surprise you!

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Gifted Children Who are a Gift to the World, Part 1

Jeannette Webb — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 09:00:53 +0000

Gifted Children Who are a Gift to the World, Part 1

by Jeannette Webb

Every so often a child comes along that captures the imagination of those outside his or her immediate family. Whether a gifted athlete or an academic genius, this child is recognized as something special and people begin to talk. However, too often giftedness is not handled well and instead of being an asset to propel our child toward great things, it becomes a millstone that threatens to drown their very soul.

Scary Examples

Examples abound: the math prodigy who started studying differential equations at age 10 and then flunks out of his dream college in his late teens because he’s too busy playing video games; the daughter of a professor (who ironically taught college classes on giftedness) with an off-the-charts IQ that wasted her young adulthood meditating in Tibet in a vain attempt to find the meaning of life; the all-star athlete who had it all and lost it to drugs and immorality; the inspired actor who gets disoriented in the shallowness of the Hollywood scene. So much promise. Such a huge waste.

Parenting in the Twilight Zone

Parenting a gifted child will require everything we have to give and sometimes even more. It will necessitate a dependence on our heavenly Father for guidance when the way is no longer clear. While our child’s gift will probably surpass our ability in one particular area, we have the advantage of life experience and wisdom that they do not possess. Never forget that. As homeschoolers, we have a unique 24/7 opportunity to mentor gifted children so they do not stumble in the limelight. It’s not easy, but here are some foundations upon which to build.

Keep Your Mouth Shut

Don’t ever talk about your child’s gifts/IQ in their presence. EVER! I am amazed at the parents who ramble on and on about their child’s exceptional gifts in front of them. I get an earful of how brilliant, how wonderful, how talented . . . . . while the tiny child is there absorbing the fact that their parents idolize them. At an early age, we are on dangerous ground already. Take a minute to re-read Exodus 20. We must own that idolatry is sin.

It is an easy trap to fall into. (After all, it proves that our homeschooling is successful. Right? Perhaps they are gifted because we homeschool?) We are so enraptured that we have special kids that we bore others and endanger our child.

When they are old enough to figure out for themselves that they are special, they are old enough to understand the responsibilities involved. My son was fifteen when a friend spoke aloud for the first time of his giftedness and took him by surprise. When he approached me for validation, we had a wonderful discussion about the fact that much would be expected of him because God had entrusted him with much. It was a humbling experience rather than a detrimental inflating of his ego.

For this reason, I am very hesitant about the proliferation of talent searches and gifted ID programs. Basically many of these things are money-makers and I’m not convinced it is helpful to have the information (or the label) they provide. I have found that labels are seldom beneficial whether they tell us that a child is gifted, normal, ADD, or learning disabled. While this knowledge should be useful to help us deal with reality and correct problems, parents seldom handle this information well and tend to brandish the label as a trophy or as an excuse.

Neither should we talk about our own inabilities in front of our children. During one difficult season, I was feeling totally inadequate with this homeschool thing. I made a comment to my father (in front of my young children) that I was not smart enough to do this. Normally slow to share his opinions, my father promptly took me to another room and gave me a “talking to” that I have never forgotten. Basically he told me that my children would not submit to my teaching or my leadership if I caused them to lose confidence in me. I was the adult and I needed to start acting like one. Ouch!

There does come a time when our teens have the maturity that allows us to share more openly about our struggles, but that comes much later.

Today’s post is the first in a series of four dealing with gifted kids. Next time we’ll discuss the importance of service for gifted kids. Stay tuned!

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"I've always heard people complaining about the drawn-out, complicated process that is applying to colleges. I was a little daunted by the thought that I was going to have to fill out several of them, the outcome of which would determine much of my future. The help I received from Jeanette was priceless. She knows about so many important things that never would have occurred to me. Her advice guided me easily through the whole process, focusing my attention in on small, but crucial things, like the order in which I presented accomplishments, as well as word choice. Every school that I've received a decision from so far has accepted me and offered scholarships, thanks to Jeanette's help!" ~ Rebecca, CO

Interested in personal help for your student? Check out our private consultation!

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The Path of Self-Esteem

Jeannette Webb — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 09:00:47 +0000

The Path of Self-Esteem

By Jeannette Webb

Today’s Western parents are often conflicted about how to impart self-esteem to their children. This is a fairly new phenomenon as parents of past generations never thought about it much and yet the majority of kids grew up with a healthy sense of their own worth. Somehow in the last 50 years we’ve become confused as to how this important component becomes a part of our child’s life.

We’ve come to believe, with encouragement from mental health professionals and professional educators, that we can give it to them or protect something that was there at birth. But self-esteem is not ours to give and it is not our child’s birthright. It is something they earn.

In a thought-provoking book entitled, Shop Class as Soulcraft: An Inquiry Into the Value of Work, author Matthew Crawford (Ph.D. from University of Chicago and motorcycle mechanic) offers us an honest assessment of the topic:

“The satisfactions of manifesting oneself concretely in the world through manual competence have been known to make a man quiet and easy. They seem to relieve him of the felt need to offer chattering interpretations of himself to vindicate his worth. He can simply point: the building stands, the car now runs, the lights are on. Boasting is what a boy does, because he has no real effect in the world. But the tradesman must reckon with the infallible judgment of reality, where one’s failures or shortcomings cannot be interpreted away. His well-founded pride is far from the gratuitous “self-esteem” that educators would impart to students, as though by magic.”

As part of his premise, Crawford argues for a hands-on approach to education. As a Youth Development Specialist in the 4-H program, the concept of “learning by doing” formed the basis of my own work with kids for many years. We both learned that building tangible things or developing useful skills is a first step in gaining true knowledge. It is also the cornerstone of beginning to understand oneself.

Crawford distinguishes between actual skill development and the cultivating of an appreciation of a skill. For example, learning to play an instrument is a skill. Listening to music on an expensive sound system is not. In the first example, the student can become proficient and start down the path to self-esteem. In the second, he has room only for empty boasts about what he thinks he knows or what equipment he owns.

There are many things a child can become proficient at, become known for, deserve praise for, and ultimately make use of to develop a healthy self-confidence. But, these are things of his own doing and making. I cannot bestow self-esteem upon my kid. Constantly praising everything won’t do it. Protecting him so he is never judged by the real world does not shelter his self-concept, it destroys it. Quite honestly, the only thing I can do as a parent to ensure a healthy self-esteem is to help my child develop useful skills so he can earn it for himself.

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Scholarships for Homeschooled Athletes

Jeannette Webb — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 09:00:30 +0000

Scholarships for Homeschooled Athletes

The decision to homeschool places families outside traditional support networks. As such, they are often left wondering how to help their kids re-enter the traditional realm once their homeschool days are finished. It’s hard for a parent to function in the many roles needed to help kids maximize all their opportunities. Fortunately, new networks are being developed for the homeschool community.

As a college consultant, it is my delight to help families understand how to structure high school academics and extracurriculars. I work with families to develop all the school documents needed at competitive colleges. I assist students as they write essays, prepare for interviews, and compete for merit scholarships. For most kids, this is all the college admissions help needed. However, if you have an accomplished athlete, there is a whole new layer involved. I was delighted to meet Coach Taylor last week who has stepped up to the plate to fill this need. I asked him to share with you about his company:

“Blessings, to Aiming Higher Consultants and all those that have been so fortunate to use its services. I hope that all is well with each and every one of you this year as we all seek to grow our home educational goals and aspirations!

My name is Eric C. Taylor (I'm a Forever-Homeschooler) and I send you greetings from Truth-Spin, Inc., the only known homeschool-run homeschool sports consulting company. TSI's daily mission is to help homeschool athletes (usually 9th-12th grade) to, in an affordable manner, secure collegiate sports scholarships.

As a former home school athlete (soccer 7th-12th grade), collegiate athlete, high school coach (private, public, and homeschool), and NCAA coach, I saw a need and am working to fill that need for homeschooled/Christian families all over this country.

We are VERY glad to see that many of our homeschoolers (just like you!) are taking greater control of their collegiate destiny and direction. At TSI, we are now seeking to accent Aiming Higher Consultants’ job of packaging and preparedness for athletes.

Through our good relationships and connections with a number of institutions of higher learning (Christian and non-Christian) at a variety of sporting levels (NCAA 1, 2, 3, NAIA, NCCAA, USCAA, Independent, etc.) we are able to give our homeschool athletic clients:

the ability to be ultra-narrow in college choices
a greatly increased chance of getting an adequate collegiate sports scholarship;
improved chances of finding the "perfect" collegiate campus/collegiate sports program to be a part of (and, yes, this is possible).

We also want to serve as a source of encouragement and advice as we do for many homeschool sports families and groups all over (because we were them once). Please, learn more about us at: www.truth-spininc.com/

"Trading our fishing poles to save souls-

To use a net, that's as good as it gets."

John 21:4-6”

Moving Towards Autonomy

Jeannette Webb — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 09:00:27 +0000

Moving Towards Autonomy

By Jeannette Webb

I have to admit that one of the highlights of homeschooling was living life with my children. We participated together in activities and I learned right along with them. In music lessons, I took notes to help with practice sessions at home. On field trips, I loved being in the middle of the experience with my kids. When the Boy Scout hiked up a mountain, I was there with boots and backpack.

But there is a delicate balance required for the involved parent. While living life in tandem is the best way to train and educate our children, it is too easy to get caught up in the fun and forget that we are in a training situation. Absolutely we want to participate in all aspects of life with our kids, but we need to be constantly moving them toward autonomy. This means gently stepping into the background as our children develop skills and confidence.

We can begin slowly, but we need to start early. When our children learn to talk, it is time to begin letting them speak for themselves rather then stepping in to explain what they want or tell the tale better. To strengthen their decision-making abilities, we give them acceptable choices with limits, “Do you want to wear the red shirt or the yellow striped one? When they are toddlers, it is too large a question to ask, “What do you want to wear today? It’s cold outside.”

At a very young age I was asking their opinion on things and giving them small jobs that mattered to our family – gardening, helping to organize and staple agendas for meetings, packing their own suitcase (one time of forgetting something important and they won’t make that mistake again).

By the time they were 8 or 9 they were making phone calls as appropriate and taking responsibility for their school work and music practice time. I still remember the day we arrived at a photography studio for Natalie’s nine-year-old pictures. We were early and needed to leave her violin at the studio so we could run other errands. I sent her in with her instrument to make the request. The photographer, whom she had never met before, was completely blown away when she marched in with a smile, extended her hand to shake his, and made her request.

By early teens they should be assuming increasing responsibility for their world. Certainly we can oversee. If needed, we can practice with them ahead of time or familiarize them with the situation they are getting ready to walk into. We should debrief with them after the fact. But we need to step out of the way in order for them to learn the incredible lessons that can only be achieved by depending on themselves and their wits.

By the time they are old enough to pursue major leadership, job-shadowing opportunities, college visits, and college interviews, parents need to be invisible. If we’ve done our job well, they no longer really need us to be successful in these endeavors.

Here’s the crux of the issue – we have to be willing to allow them fail early if we want them to succeed later.

When they are little you can rest assured that some things will be botched entirely or not done as well as you would have liked. Phone calls could be awkward. Public speaking events can be painful. Leadership attempts can backfire. You WILL be embarrassed at some point. Even when they have reached the teen years, if you are stretching them enough, there is always the risk of public disappointment, even disaster. But treat these as learning situations. Every experience, success or failure, leads to future competence.

When they are young, most mess-ups are private or only involve a few people. As they enter the teens, we up the ante. I remember sitting at the back of the room when my 16-year-old daughter made a proposal to a board of directors. They didn’t know her or what she was going to propose (organizing a fundraising event for them) and she had never done anything like this. She joyfully launched into her idea, but missed the fact that they weren’t following her. Instead of rescuing her, I simply asked her to clarify a few points for the members. She understood her mistake and quickly corrected it.

In the months following, she marched into offices of radio owners, business owners, newspaper editors, print shops, and explained who she was and what she needed. The night of the fundraiser, she was not only working with set up crews and emceeing the event, but also performing with two college music professors. The stress and fatigue could easily have caused a misstep in front of a large group of people. While it would have been tempting to stay behind the curtain to troubleshoot throughout the evening, I sat with the audience at the back of the auditorium praying and trusting my daughter. She would have to deal with this thing alone.

Because I wasn’t there to lean on, the success of that night belonged entirely to her. She earned the standing ovation all by herself. Mama didn’t make it happen. Can you imagine a better confidence builder?

I’ll be frank that it can be terrifying to have your life’s work showcased in front of the world with the distinct possibility of failure or at least major mistakes. While it shouldn’t have been, the thought was never very far away that my parenting and homeschooling in general was on trial in front of a group of people that might not be supportive or sympathetic. Every time I took a major risk with one of my kids, it felt a bit like I was throwing them into the lion’s den.

It is true that that when we choose to groom our children to be independent, we open ourselves up to being humbled. Yet, the flip side is that we also throw open the door for our kids to develop in amazing ways. It’s worth the risk. I promise!

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Unstructured Time vs. Wasted Time

Jeannette Webb — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 09:00:16 +0000

Unstructured Time vs. Wasted Time

By Jeannette Webb

There is a big difference between wasted time and unstructured time. As I look back over the 22 years that children graced my home, I can honestly say there was hardly ever any wasted time, yet my children were rich in unstructured time. What’s the difference?

Unstructured time is breathing room, like the white space around the words in a book. It is a place to pause, to ponder, to try something new. On a spring afternoon, I would glance out the window at my daughter stretched out on the hammock. Her book was closed, her eyes dreamy. I could imagine the wheels turning in her head as she wrestled with something she had just read. Breathing room in her day allowed time to really think about what the author was saying, rather than just chalk up so many pages of literature accomplished.

You could argue that the time my kids spent mowing our 5-acre lawn or fixing fence or weeding the garden was structured, as it had to be done, but I would argue that it wasn’t because it gave room to think about concepts. The hours of work (that didn’t require much mental exertion on their part to be sure) provided rich time for my son to wrestle with a physics concept, think through a math snag, or ponder a possible chemistry experiment.

If they had spent that time with earphones in listening to the latest pop song or texting on a phone, it moves to the category of wasted time – that which pulls a person in, keeps their mind tied up and yet there is no long-term benefit. The mind is just occupied, not stretched. It might be enjoying the creativity of others, but is not creating anything itself.

If we provide a rich home environment that minimizes distraction and places high value on creativity, it is amazing how quickly kids learn the difference.

Lately my daughter has been sharing insights into her life as a little girl. It’s been comical as well as enlightening. A recent story centered on a weekend visit to her grandparents’ home. She was 7 or 8 at the time and spent Saturday morning in the time-honored tradition of watching cartoons. This was a real novelty for her given the fact that we don’t have television at our house (we have a screen and DVD player, but no TV jacks or cable). Anyway, she had fun watching all morning. Several weeks later, she thought back to that day and realized she could remember nothing she had seen. She recognized that she had wasted a morning and made the contentious choice never to do that again. Her revelation made me laugh, but also made me realize that children who live real lives can be discerning at very young ages.

I didn’t guide her to that conclusion, as I honestly didn’t even know what she was thinking. She had not picked up on those values because of my lectures. You see, I wasn’t one to harp on cartoons because it wasn’t a possibility in our home. I didn’t continually scold about Internet use because it just wasn’t around. I didn’t screech about video games because we didn’t buy them. By keeping things pure and simple, I didn’t constantly have to monitor how they spent their time. We surrounded them with real things – the best books available, classical music, honest work, and lots of discussion. They were used to real, therefore even at young ages, they could identify what was fake or a waste of time.

Trust me – creating the right environment makes parenting so much easier! Slow your schedule down to include plenty of unstructured time. Just get rid of the distractions so the time doesn’t become wasted time.

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