It seemed that the early years of our homeschool experience were filled with time and space to explore and to enjoy. Those early, unhurried years suddenly gave way to panic when I realized that high school was just around the corner. I learned some tough lessons during that transitional period and I’d like to share some of those with you.
The most foundational piece of advice that I can give you is to stop. Right now. Take a deep breath and make a promise to yourself to step away from it all to evaluate where your family is headed and how you plan to get there.
The Discipline of Retreat
Ironically, the first step to moving forward is to back away. Remember that Jesus regularly sought places of solitude and retreat, far from the crowds that desperately needed him. If our Lord and Savior took this time to think and pray, who are we to think we can follow him without the same discipline?
If you can physically get away, so much the better. However, I never had the money for weekends of respite at a bed and breakfast or even the opportunity for an afternoon away in a comfortable chair at a coffee shop to catch my breath. Yet, even in the intense pressure of too much to do and far too little money, I developed the discipline of retreat. During these times I was known to forget dinner or let the dust accumulate on the furniture. I withdrew into myself and viewed our lives as a dispassionate observer. The key word here is dispassionate – unbiased, detached, unemotional. This ability was absolutely critical on many fronts. It allowed me to see my children as they really were – their gifts, their character flaws, their potential, and the things that could destroy them later in life. I call it seeing with honest eyes.
Seeing with Honest Eyes
The ability to see with honest eyes is a rare thing in our frenzied world. It is not that we lack the wisdom to see candidly, but that we have chosen (consciously or unconsciously) to live a lifestyle that does not encourage it. We can suffer from preoccupation, an actual lack of time, or even an unwillingness to see things as they really are. Let’s look at three stumbling blocks to seeing with honest eyes.
Busyness
You may be moving too fast to honestly evaluate your children. If your days are a constant rush from activity to activity (even if they are wonderful activities, classes, or opportunities), if there is not time to truly connect with your child, you will miss who they are at their core and who they could become with your guidance.
When I was in graduate school, I remember the lectures of professional women who were mothers on the side. They had children “for the experience” or to “fulfill themselves.” I particularly recall one professor talking about hiring a teenager to bake cookies so her son would have homemade cookies – that homemade cookies were important in the life of a child. These professors would talk to us about “quality time as opposed to quantities of time” and, of course, they felt that quality time that they scheduled was far superior. It made sense to me. Until I became a mother.
I began to notice when my children were very small that, though we enjoyed special times I planned, more often than not it was mundane moments during the routine of our lives when little hints of their thought life would be dropped into my lap. As they got older, they would turn, at unexpected times, eyes full of discovery or questions and share a sudden revelation. I was always there to catch the ball they threw and toss it back with questions or answers, as the need presented itself.
You see, it is not the homemade cookies that matter. It is the time together learning to measure ingredients, laughing about mistakes, talking while the cookies are in the oven that matters. It is impossible to hire someone to do this for you.
This isn’t a stab at working moms. Even for those of us at home full time, preoccupation with our own activities such as planning homeschool group meetings or Bible study or political events or any number of things can keep us from being present. Don’t kid yourself, you can be physically with your children all day every day and be too busy to see truth when it floats by in front of you.
Separation
There is also the problem of true separation. You just may not be spending enough time with your children. If most of their lives are superintended by other people (teachers, coaches, friends) you are just not with them long enough to make an honest observation. They grow to depend on others for support and no longer share their innermost thoughts with you. This can happen in any family, regardless of whether you educate at home or choose public or private school.
Loving Uncritically
Love can also blind parents from truth. Especially in homeschool situations, many tend to cover for their children’s faults because they reason that it really doesn’t matter at home anyway. If it’s a speech impediment or shyness, parents or siblings do the talking for the child. If it is selfishness, they reason that all kids go through it. If it’s laziness, moms pick up the slack to help them get things done or give them another day on the assignment. If they are acting like jerks, well, they are teenagers after all.
And then there is the pitfall of exceptional kids. Many parents are in absolute awe of these children and this could be the most dangerous ground of all. Whether they are gifted intellectually, are superb in a particular activity, are good looking, or charming, all these things can swell your pride and blind your eyes to their problem areas. Unless you can see with honest eyes, you unwittingly handicap your children.
As the hint of autumn creeps into the air, I encourage you to take some time away and evaluate the life you are living and the life you are creating for your children. Looking honestly at yourself and at them is difficult, but yields huge rewards down the road!
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